would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
