I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
