i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
