I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
