Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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