Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
