Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
