We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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