Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
