Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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