I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize