did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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