I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i need some magic done to my vagina
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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