I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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