and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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