Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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