Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
