She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I love you. Go after that dick
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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