i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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