Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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