New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
