Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
