woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
