She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
