they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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