so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
