You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
