someone threw a dead crab at me
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Randomize
