i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize