I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
