You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
