do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
