Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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