The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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