i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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