Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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