Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
