im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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