i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
