i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
