Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
