my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize