Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
