I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
