I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think my moral compass just broke
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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