i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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