Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
