If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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