i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
