At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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