saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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