You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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