Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
