I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ketchup is God's man juice
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
