i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
