Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
