Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
