Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize