The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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