He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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