...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
