I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
